Clean: the moment you finally let go

Have you ever felt weightless? Free from all your worries and the fear of being tied down by your past? Have you ever felt that at this very moment in your life, you could pack up all your things, move away to another country and leave everyone else behind with nothing to hold you back? I have. It was perhaps just a feeling that lasted for a few seconds, but it has been a year since and I haven’t forgotten.

I was at the beach with my best friend and a lot had happened in my life during that month. By this time I had gone through so much in my life with my family, boys, friends, and everything else, that it felt like I was walking around being dragged down by this anchor. I was yearning to just sail away and never return so I could avoid all my problems, but something or someone (OK, it was quite a few people) kept holding me back.

The day my whole life shifted into perspective was so beautiful. The sun was setting and the sky was a soft gray, with the last dregs of light just barely shining through. I’m a sucker for a beautiful sky, and I looked up with a stupid grin on my face, like I was a child experiencing this for the first time. My friend decided to humor me and nodded along with whatever gibberish I was uttering.

We were both looking up at the sky, unaware of everything happening around us. Right at that moment a huge wave washed over us, almost knocking us over, and we were completely drenched.

Laughing at our own stupidity we walked back to the sand and sat down hoping that we would dry up naturally (that most certainly did not happen). As we sat down and talked about how dirty we felt, this feeling completely washed over me. I fell silent and just watched the waves and twilight take over, but my heart wasn’t quiet. It was on the heart’s equivalent of an acid trip.

I suddenly felt like nothing fazed me anymore. It was this feeling that I was floating above everyone else right now. In that moment I felt that I had finally let go of everything that had been holding me back for sometime. Although I was wet, cold, and covered in saltwater and sand, I felt clean.

It’s like someone ties you up in ropes and throws you into the ocean. The more you struggle and try to get out of it, the deeper you get dragged in. But when you finally stop struggling, you realize that you just float to the top and the ropes have just disappeared beneath you. When you’re finally out of the water and you walk towards the shore, you realize you’re a totally new person.

For some people, it probably happens all the time. If you’re lucky enough, maybe you can just close your eyes and let go. But for me it was a long time coming. Yes it took a while, but I’m glad it happened when it did. All it took was one big wave to drench me, but I finally felt clean.

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